So, I hate people right now. I know, hate is bad, getting sucked into a vortex of negatively isn’t healthy, blah blah blah.
But I have been circling the emotional drain these days anyway, so what’s a little rage gonna do, make me sadder? meh.
Made some positive steps, found a new doctor – a real one. *sigh* It is so damned stressful to go in and try to explain all of my numerous issues and meds without them either freaking out or not caring. Also, I inherited a wonderful *brave happy face* gene from my mother that causes me to immediately put other people at ease over my own comfort and well-being. In other words, when at doctor and I say something like, “I’ve been a little stressed lately.” actually means something like, “I’ve been afraid to leave my house and I have weekly panic attacks and I keep wishing I was dead.”
ugh.
I also went to a Yoga class on Sunday and that was wonderful! see, positive changes n’ stuff.
it will all be okay, at least it should feel okay eventually, right? But it almost feels like now that everything in my life is going okay, now I’m feeling all the things and it is fucking with my ability to function.
I lost my shit a little bit last night in dog training class. I am working with Piper & Ziesa (when I can wake Ziesa up anyway); neither are naturals at obedience. In one class there is this beautiful dog that loves obedience and is just responsive and wonderful. That dog’s human said to her dog like, “as soon as you get happier with other dogs, you’ll be perfect!”
…and it felt like my heart physically cracked in half. I had a perfect dog (okay, I know he was not perfect, but he was perfect for me and so responsive and trainable and made me so fucking happy) and the universe thought it a good idea to kill him in a stupid fucking slow, painful, and ridiculous way for no good fucking reason. It wasn’t fair (I know the world isn’t fair). It wasn’t kind (I know the world isn’t kind). It hurt me. It still hurts me. It has been 6 months, and it still fucking hurts me every fucking day.
I want to be over it. I want to move forward. I want to be better. Hell, I would be happy to just fucking feel okay.
Okay, feelings-time needs to be over now.
*hugs*
H.
